His eyes were wide and panicked, darting everywhere, never pausing until I cleared my throat and parted my lips to speak. He focuses on me, his Sea-Foam blue eyes piercing me to my very soul. For a brief moment, I was rendered speechless. My throat dry, the words clung to the tip of my tongue, unwilling to exit my mouth. I felt my heart shatter and fall like shards of heavy, broken pottery to my stomach.
"I'm so sorry beloved, I know it's hard and I wish I could go with you", I gently cooed as I held his trembling hand in mine.
I could feel the tendons in the back of his scarred hands; flex-pause-release. The tension in the air was palatable; the cacophony of voices continually diverting his attention.
"He's scanning again," I thought to myself, "this must be a bad episode."
His head remained stationary, but his eyes were never still.
I squeezed his hand and gently said his name, "David-"
His focus returns
"Where were you?", I inquire, looking deep into his eyes, willing him to stay present.
"I was over there again" he whispers, sadness sliding across his pained face. His leg begins to bounce, the motion reverberating up his body shaking the table. I become acutely aware of the stickiness of it's surface, the pint glasses leaving a sweat rings. He lets go of my hand and begins to toy with his glass, then raises it to his lips and takes a long drink. His movements are slow, like molasses on a cold winter's day. He sets the glass down, a 1/4 inch remaining in the bottom and looks at me with that smirk; trying to change the mood he says,
"For the Angels"
I look at him, concern gnawing at the edges of my mind. I'm a "fixer", it's what I have done since I was very little and this is one of the few times that I couldn't fix it. I had to just stand by and bear witness, watch the flashbacks take the man I love and twist him into knots. All I wanted to do was make it all go away. I would shoulder this burden if it meant that his pain would dissipate.
Life with a disabled combat vet is ever changing, fraught with highs and lows. Hyper-vigilance, perceived threats when there are none, and when flashbacks hit, a disconnectedness that is hard to penetrate. I always know where I stand with David, his fierce loyalty and need to always protect me and our children is a sense of security I had never felt until I met him.
Like many writers, I struggle with writing from time to time. It can be anything from just getting started, to tackling a subject that may be difficult to deal with. I knew I wanted to explore the subject of failure, but just couldn't figure out HOW to approach it so I utilized a technique I learned 5+ years ago in a writing workshop; list making. Armed with my trusty fountain pen, I scribbled across the top of my notepad: "Things I've failed at; monumental or insignificant," and let the ink fly for about 5-10 minutes. What I was not prepared for, was what came of it what came next:
My balance is a huge FAIL; I trip over my own two feet now!
My memory sucks
I lose my words/forget what I’m saying in the middle of a sentence, A LOT
My vision is failing/night vision is SHOT
My body is failing me since I fell so my anxiety is pretty much never in check.
I fail at dealing with my *NEW* limitations
I failed at remembering my meds
I fail at advocating for myself
I fail at respecting my boundaries/saying no
I lost my patience again today
I fail at keeping my mouth shut (arguments)
I fail at staying motivated/quit too easily (I suck at sticking with things)
I suck at keeping in touch
I failed at being an adult for far too long
I failed at kindness
I failed at being a good daughter
I failed at being a good wife
I failed at being a good mother
I failed at being a better disciplinarian
I failed at following my dreams
I failed at following through with almost everything I start
I fail at having self confidence
I fail at making decisions
After making the list I still had ZERO idea where to even start writing! So, after much ruminating, I returned to my notes from the same seminar and came across an idea I had yet to explore; utilizing a different structure all together: police blotter, want ad, journal entry, and several others. Ah-Ha, Journal Entry and the recurrent theme(s) that stuck out for me; follow through/quitting, so here goes!
7/2008 Dear Diary, Today is going to be different! I know... I've said that before, but THIS time I really mean it! I have an interview with New York Life & it's actually lunch with one of the partners! I'll let you know how it goes, G2G, I need to make myself look Gorge!
7/2008 Dear Diary, Well, the interview was lunch at Fruit & Salad company in Victor and it was AWESOME! Tim was really sweet and he got a kick out of my irreverent flirty personality. He even said from now on because of my last name (Zingg) & personality he is going to call me "Sparky"! LOL I know, it made me laugh too! So much better that the nick names from grade school & high school huh? Any-who, I have an appointment to meet him again at the General Office to do all of my paperwork, start the process for a background check, etc. I'm sooo psyched, I'm going to be an insurance agent and make LOTS of money! Screw Brian & his disparaging remarks about me not making it! TTYL
8/2008 Dear Diary, Wow, my insurance classes are ROUGH! Buuuuuut, I'm the only female, so it's a much better environment than I'm use to. UGH, none of the petty BS because someone thinks my skirt is too short or too long, my hair isn't right, etc. Lots of compliments everyday and the ball-busting amongst us is fantastic!
9/2008 Dear Diary, I'm DONE! I can't friggin do this anymore! I have tons of appointments but never close a feckin' sale! I haven't made shit & I'm actually losing money with all of the driving I'm doing! Screw this, I'm going to apply with Verizion Wireless- I heard they have a lot of paid holidays and paid time off. Oooooo and 1/2 off my cell phone bill too!
9/2008 Dear Diary, I had my interview & skills test w/VZW and it went GREAT! I will be in the call center and work 2:30-11. Woo-Hoo no more early mornings except to get the kids to school! I think I've found my new "home" we shall see!
12/2008 Dear Diary, I've made it through classroom training and it wasn't too bad, the instructors are hilarious & told us about the "ladder of success" we can climb- Manager/Team Leader here I come! Oooooo & I get 1/2 off my cellphone bill, not to mention all of the PAID time off we get!
6/2009 Dear Diary, Well this sucks
I've struggled with "adulting" for the better part of 30 years and though I did my best to inject a little levity to the above "journal," I'm sure you can ascertain that 'Adulting' was not my forte 15+ years ago, and quite honestly I still struggle with it from time to time. I've done a lot of "internal work" over the years and have come to realize that the growing pains most of us go through during our 20's; discovering who we are, finding our path in life, learning to be independent from our parents, etc. is something I was never afforded.
I was married at 23, and was pregnant soon afterwards, then again 4 years later. I was a stay at home mom for the majority of that marriage, but it was not by choice; I wasn't allowed to hold a full time job until I finally left him. I know what some of you might be thinking: "You're complaining?", "You get to stay home & don't have to work!" , or "He is supporting you!"
However, I think you missed the most important word "allowed." I wanted to work, I wanted to contribute to our little family and was not afforded the opportunity. Granted, I was able to go to cosmetology school & get my license (eventually) but he made it exceedingly difficult to maintain a job. Fights, accusations of not caring about our child(ren), suddenly having to work a double (later found out it was 100% voluntary & he actually requested the extra hours), and many more manufactured reasons he created for me to call in "sick".
Fast-forward 13 years-
I finally had enough of the control, the lies, the terror, the abuse. I was tired of living like a virtual prisoner in my own life and needed to reclaim my freedom, so I filed for divorce, left Washington state, and moved back to Western, New York. Little did I realize, it wasn't that simple-
I had been out of the job market for over a decade and was armed with nothing more than a fart in the wind associates; did I mention I was 37 and had never held a full-time job before?!? There was no one to guide me or help me navigate this new "normal," I was just expected to already know these things "at my age," yet I felt like a child compared to my contemporaries.
I already mentioned NYLife and VZW, but what you don't know is that I had FIVE more jobs (another call center, bookkeeping, hairdresser, pool store, telemarketing, repair scheduler) before I started to figure things out and went back to school for dental assisting and held 3 more jobs after that!. That's a grand total of ELEVEN jobs in 12 years! Translation- I bounced around A LOT, with no clue as to what I should be doing or wanted to do for that matter. I was making it up as I went along and just trying to survive & provide the best I could without a good example to draw from, let alone a healthy role-model to emulate. It's been 15 years since I left and I'm still trying to find my way and figure it out, but could that be the wrong approach or mindset? Tom Clancy once said: "There are two kinds of people: the ones who need to be told, and the ones who figure it out all by themselves."
Instead, maybe I need to take George Bernard Shaw's words to heart: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
I need to stop looking for that elusive path, and just start creating!
What do you love or are currently working towards and does it bring you joy? DARE to dream BIG and follow your heart!
#LoveAndie
10/27/2018 My father giving my son the following advice: “Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life!”
He sits quietly on the couch, looking at me – no, searing my soul. His sea-foam blue eyes devouring my every gesture, expression, sigh; memorizing it. I look down at my journal and can feel all of his thoughts and emotions boring into me, branding me. I will never be the same again, I am to blame, but it's all his fault. Just when I thought I had recovered, and we were back to status quo, he does it again- That look; burning my heart, charting it with so much intensity, it transmutes my broken, jagged edges. Slowly softening, like pieces of frit under the watchful eye of a conservative artist. Melting, adding silvers & golds, blending; new, radiant colors emerge. Raw materials transform, become glorious aurenes & galaxies of color. Only ashes litter the floor now. All the broken shards, discarded by ghosts, amateurs feigning artistic heights unobtainable by "mere mortals" are incorporated. That burning look which brands my very core – anneals all of the discarded pieces.
"What?" he queries.
"Nothing Babe." I whisper
"I love you Princess." he smiles. My heart explodes.
October 9, 2010 Corning, NY; Lamp-work bead making seminar.
Was there a time when you were a part of something fast, powerful, bigger than yourself? I decided to take a trip down memory lane and write about an event that I initiated and it made national news. It was covered on all of the "Big 3" networks, William LaJeunesse from FOX News paid me a visit and did an in depth interview with me. Range Magazine devoted multi-page spreads in several successive issues, Time magazine & The Wall Street Journal covered it. Michael Savage spoke about it on his show, along with so many other personalities up and down the West Coast and Eastward; even my Biological Father had heard about it in North Carolina (little did he know his daughter was at the center of it all). Then President Bush, even created a cabinet position to deal with it. This was my moment of Civil Disobedience, my moment in the Sun:
"HEADGATES" The irrigation ditches were dry, mud hardened into clay and cracking.
A little defiant voice squeaked from the backseat, "What are you going to do mommy?"
The water had been shut off to 1500 farmers and ranchers; the people who fed our country were struggling to feed their own families. There was no indication that the situation would be remedied any time soon and it would seem Teagan somehow knew. Little did this precocious 4 yr old know, something big, was about to happen.
It was June 2001, a week before my 30th birthday and the Klamath Basin was in the midst of a water crisis and something had to be done. I got on the phone and called the one person who had any pull, who people knew and asked him if I could use his good name for what I was about to do. Not only did my Father-In-Law John Zingg agree, but he gave me names and numbers of people who would jump on board this act of "civil disobedience"
July 4th, 2001 is a day that made history in the sleepy little town of Klamath Falls, Oregon. A transplanted New Yorker decided to do something about the plight that befell the town she now called home. A crowd of approximately 300 people gathered at the "head-gates" where the water from Klamath Lake is normally diverted and sent through a series of canals to feed farms, ranches & a wildlife preserve which is home to over 200 species of animals. The water had been shut off in the name of the ESA and a fish that is know to live quite comfortable in a mud puddle.
The local TV news crews stood by. The air was electric with anticipation. With almost overwhelming excitement, I stood before the throng of people, stomach churning, and began to speak. A hush fell over the crowd, the only sounds to be heard were the Grebes, cicadas and my voice.
"Good Afternoon Everyone! Thank you f..." A faint metallic "clink" interrupted my speech.
Eyes widened, ears pricked up and heads began to turn towards the chain-link fence behind them. A fence that separated them from the precious, now empty, irrigation canal system. Slowly bodies turned and began moving away from the gal in the American Flag hat and Red, White & Blue shirt. One by one at first, they tentatively filed through the gate. The cacophony of raucous laughter and exuberant cheering immediately filled the silence.
I stood for a moment, transfixed by the activity; Men and Women were making it happen, they were actually opening the sluice gates and letting the water flow! I realized it was the 3rd time in less than a week that someone "broke in" to the area surrounding "A" Canal head gates and opened the sluices.
As I scooped up my infant son Darroch and held Teagan's hand, I whispered, "Third time's the charm." I beamed at my exuberant daughter "History my beauty, you are a part of history."
The 4 yr old looked up at me quizzically.
"You asked what mommy was going to do"
Teagan smiled back, "Mommy you helped the farmers and ranchers so they can grow food and feed all their beef again!"
I looked down at my daughter, the anxiety melting away and a deep belly laugh burst from my mouth. "Yes Princess, lots of beef will be fed."
I smiled wistfully at the memory of Teagan and Darroch's reaction when they saw a heard of cattle for the first time "That's a lot of beef mommy!"
My ears pricked up and I was brought back to the present.
Slowly the chant spread "Let the water flow, Let the water flow!" till all in attendance synchronized as one voice. We were the last ones shepherded through the fence to join the exuberant crowd. Hugs, pats on the back, high 5's, "Congrats", "God is good" were showered upon us.
A lone voice rang out above the cheerful din, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." One voice became many and soon it was on everyone's lips...
#LoveAndie
I was a member of the “Klamath Cavalry” and this was just one of many moments we rode in solidarity after the events on July 4th, 2001. Photos courtesy of Range Magazine Winter 2001: Top photo: Larry Turner, Bottom Photo Rob Crawford
Have you ever just let your mind wander and see where it takes you? While your mind is strolling along have you tried to write everything down without editing; anything that hits the paper stays and can't be crossed out? I did just that; I took about 5-7 minutes and just wrote down what ever popped into my head. I didn't edit, judge or censor what came up. What I was not prepared for, were the crazy twists & turns my brain took. I read my list out loud to a group of women and evidently, they found it quite humorous. I'm not sure if it was the crazy connections and how my list evolved or the fact that I read it at breakneck speed and actually sang the snippets of songs as well! I'm thinking it was the latter of the two! Full disclosure there are some items on my list that childhood friends *might* understand and get a chuckle out of it.
______________________________ John Travolta in Grease I was in Grease Patty Simcox Theresa's cousin Patty Was she a twin? Elena & Christina Poretta Elephant Potato Chip, Crispy Potato Chip Eileen Connor & I started that name I hate my name because I know it's not really mine What should my name be? I use to pet bees when I was little The little bee I saw today was cold & wet The pavement was wet & I almost slipped I fell down the stairs & broke my butt Dr Vega fixed my butt I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and Dr Vega is going to fix me Why am I so broken? Broken Promises "Promises, Promises, you gave me" (song) "Singing in the rain" (song) "Rain drops keep falling on my head" (song) My head is bald Will my hair grow back? I had hair to the middle of my back I hate her and what she did to me "Sisters" shouldn't bully each other I was bullied in high school High school sucked "suck a nut" Joe & Dan Tedesco use to say it Teena Pallini Singing in a band "Band on the run" (song) "I run so far away" (song) Flock of Seagulls A seagull pooped on Joann's leg Girl scouts Trips Cookies I can't stop eating cookies I need to lose weight Weight is my bubble to keep you away I want to go away Can I disappear? Magicians aren't magical ----------------------------
WOW, after that exercise I have a whole new list of things to write about! Try it yourself and see where your amazing mind takes you, then drop me a line or comment on this post and let me know!
#LoveAndie
7/1988 Senior Portraits were always taken the summer before Senior year. Holy 80’s did I have A LOT of hair back then Photo credit: Guyette Studio; Canandaigua, NY
