His eyes were wide and panicked, darting everywhere, never pausing until I cleared my throat and parted my lips to speak. He focuses on me, his Sea-Foam blue eyes piercing me to my very soul. For a brief moment, I was rendered speechless. My throat dry, the words clung to the tip of my tongue, unwilling to exit my mouth. I felt my heart shatter and fall like shards of heavy, broken pottery to my stomach.
"I'm so sorry beloved, I know it's hard and I wish I could go with you", I gently cooed as I held his trembling hand in mine.
I could feel the tendons in the back of his scarred hands; flex-pause-release. The tension in the air was palatable; the cacophony of voices continually diverting his attention.
"He's scanning again," I thought to myself, "this must be a bad episode."
His head remained stationary, but his eyes were never still.
I squeezed his hand and gently said his name, "David-"
His focus returns
"Where were you?", I inquire, looking deep into his eyes, willing him to stay present.
"I was over there again" he whispers, sadness sliding across his pained face. His leg begins to bounce, the motion reverberating up his body shaking the table. I become acutely aware of the stickiness of it's surface, the pint glasses leaving a sweat rings. He lets go of my hand and begins to toy with his glass, then raises it to his lips and takes a long drink. His movements are slow, like molasses on a cold winter's day. He sets the glass down, a 1/4 inch remaining in the bottom and looks at me with that smirk; trying to change the mood he says,
"For the Angels"
I look at him, concern gnawing at the edges of my mind. I'm a "fixer", it's what I have done since I was very little and this is one of the few times that I couldn't fix it. I had to just stand by and bear witness, watch the flashbacks take the man I love and twist him into knots. All I wanted to do was make it all go away. I would shoulder this burden if it meant that his pain would dissipate.
Life with a disabled combat vet is ever changing, fraught with highs and lows. Hyper-vigilance, perceived threats when there are none, and when flashbacks hit, a disconnectedness that is hard to penetrate. I always know where I stand with David, his fierce loyalty and need to always protect me and our children is a sense of security I had never felt until I met him.
Where do I even begin? I haven't been very honest lately, so time to fess up. For those of you that don't know, I had a bad fall in February 2020 that has cranked up the anxiety to a whole new level. Long story short, I slipped and fell on some black-ice just outside of the entrance to the building I worked at and smacked my head pretty bad (ended up being a workman's comp case). I have been diagnosed with: Post-Concussion Syndrome, Cognitive Communication Deficit, Post Traumatic Headaches, Benign Proximal Positional Vertigo, Tinnitus, Blurred Vision, Chronic Neck & Back Pain, to name just a few of the resulting conditions. All of which has left me 100% disabled and unable to work ever since. As if the financial burden of Breast Cancer wasn't enough, this fall has really screwed things up even further! Now, I deal with quite the cornucopias of symptoms on a DAILY basis; here are some/just to name a few:
Headaches
Memory issues
Confusion
Losing my words (worse than tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon)
Forget what I’m saying/talking about in the middle of a sentence
Balance issues
Foggy/in a daze
Feelings of disconnectedness where my visual perception of things is skewed
Lightheaded/Dizziness
Extreme mood swings (till I got on pretty much the highest does of Bupropion available)
Cognitive/Processing issues; if there is too much stimulus at any given time I get very disoriented and shut down or am “shot” for the day. Doctor appointment days SUCK
Chronic neck & back pain that is relieved by alternating Chiropractic adjustments & Massage therapy (one or the other EVERY week)
Sleeplessness due to pain & headaches
AND so much more! Good times huh? I've been doing my best to just suck it up and deal with it, but that just isn't cutting it anymore. At least with Breast Cancer & "Chemo-Brain" it was finite, something that had a beginning & end to it. This? This just keeps dragging on day after day after day with no definitive end in sight. The worst part is the short-term memory loss; there have been several times now where I have forgotten full-blown conversations with David and it's effecting all facets of my life. I ask the same question more times than I should because I have forgotten the answer and I KNOW I'm doing it, I know I'm forgetting what ever the information is that I was seeking. Composing something as simple as a text message takes much longer than it ever use to, and forget email, I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at a loss and suspect this is as good as it gets. David sees it because he is with me day in & day out; he sees the difference in my personality, my ability to process things, etc. This is not a "getting older" thing because it was literally over night. One day I could handle multiple tasks and keep so many "balls-in-the-air" at one time, to PFFT! I'm lucky if I can remember what I was doing five minutes ago! Writing has been hit or miss for me as well; some days it just flows effortlessly and others I struggle to spell even the simplest of words. I can look at something several times and know there is SOMEthing wrong with it but can't for the life of me, figure out what it is. It's like my brain just isn't-- braining?
I was never a chronic complainer about physical aches and pains. I mean let's be real, I survived Brest Cancer for Fuck Sake! I had a bi-friggin-lateral mastectomy, I had both of my breasts AMPUTATED. They removed ALL of the tissue down to the damn muscle. Lymph nodes were also removed so I can never have an IV or my blood-pressure taken on my left side EVER again because will blow-up/fill with fluid which can be rather painful! Let's put it this way- I was a dumb-ass and got a tattoo on my left forearm and didn't think it would be a big deal because it was my lower arm. Jesus, Mary & Joseph was I wrong! My upper arm and armpit swelled up, MY ARMPIT! Who would have thought your armpit could swell up?!?
This crap with my fall has put me in a headspace that I have never been in before- Doctors can't tell me when I will be back to my old self. My Neurologist in NY couldn't tell me IF I would ever be 100% again because I essentially suffered a mild TBI; the MRI was clear but she said that doesn't show all trauma/there was no life threatening brain bleed.
I share all of this with you to explain my absence and why I haven't been active on my blog for a hot minute. My sense of humor is quasi intact, it just takes me A LOT longer to get from point A to point B intellectually or catch on to what is being discussed. I've gotten rather adroit at covering for myself when I have no clue what is going on/my brain has stopped processing and thankfully there is no test on what happened the day before because I would be hovering around the D-D+ range. I guess all of those years pretending to be a ditzy-blonde to make my friends laugh has become my reality.
Remember, you are Imperfect and that is absolute Perfection!
One of my many appointments after my fall in February 2020. URMC hospital Rochester, NY
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