Like many writers, I struggle with writing from time to time. It can be anything from just getting started, to tackling a subject that may be difficult to deal with.
I knew I wanted to explore the subject of failure, but just couldn't figure out HOW to approach it so I utilized a technique I learned 5+ years ago in a writing workshop; list making.
Armed with my trusty fountain pen, I scribbled across the top of my notepad:
"Things I've failed at; monumental or insignificant,"
and let the ink fly for about 5-10 minutes.
What I was not prepared for, was what came of it what came next:
- My balance is a huge FAIL; I trip over my own two feet now!
- My memory sucks
- I lose my words/forget what I’m saying in the middle of a sentence, A LOT
- My vision is failing/night vision is SHOT
- My body is failing me since I fell so my anxiety is pretty much never in check.
- I fail at dealing with my *NEW* limitations
- I failed at remembering my meds
- I fail at advocating for myself
- I fail at respecting my boundaries/saying no
- I lost my patience again today
- I fail at keeping my mouth shut (arguments)
- I fail at staying motivated/quit too easily (I suck at sticking with things)
- I suck at keeping in touch
- I failed at being an adult for far too long
- I failed at kindness
- I failed at being a good daughter
- I failed at being a good wife
- I failed at being a good mother
- I failed at being a better disciplinarian
- I failed at following my dreams
- I failed at following through with almost everything I start
- I fail at having self confidence
- I fail at making decisions
After making the list I still had ZERO idea where to even start writing!
So, after much ruminating, I returned to my notes from the same seminar and came across an idea I had yet to explore; utilizing a different structure all together: police blotter, want ad, journal entry, and several others.
Ah-Ha, Journal Entry and the recurrent theme(s) that stuck out for me; follow through/quitting, so here goes!
7/2008 Dear Diary,
Today is going to be different!
I know... I've said that before, but THIS time I really mean it!
I have an interview with New York Life & it's actually lunch with one of the partners!
I'll let you know how it goes, G2G, I need to make myself look Gorge!
7/2008 Dear Diary,
Well, the interview was lunch at Fruit & Salad company in Victor and it was AWESOME!
Tim was really sweet and he got a kick out of my irreverent flirty personality.
He even said from now on because of my last name (Zingg) & personality he is going to call me "Sparky"! LOL I know, it made me laugh too!
So much better that the nick names from grade school & high school huh?
Any-who, I have an appointment to meet him again at the General Office to do all of my paperwork, start the process for a background check, etc.
I'm sooo psyched, I'm going to be an insurance agent and make LOTS of money!
Screw Brian & his disparaging remarks about me not making it!
TTYL
8/2008 Dear Diary,
Wow, my insurance classes are ROUGH!
Buuuuuut, I'm the only female, so it's a much better environment than I'm use to.
UGH, none of the petty BS because someone thinks my skirt is too short or too long, my hair isn't right, etc.
Lots of compliments everyday and the ball-busting amongst us is fantastic!
9/2008 Dear Diary,
I'm DONE! I can't friggin do this anymore!
I have tons of appointments but never close a feckin' sale! I haven't made shit & I'm actually losing money with all of the driving I'm doing!
Screw this, I'm going to apply with Verizion Wireless- I heard they have a lot of paid holidays and paid time off. Oooooo and 1/2 off my cell phone bill too!
9/2008 Dear Diary,
I had my interview & skills test w/VZW and it went GREAT!
I will be in the call center and work 2:30-11. Woo-Hoo no more early mornings except to get the kids to school! I think I've found my new "home" we shall see!
12/2008 Dear Diary,
I've made it through classroom training and it wasn't too bad, the instructors are hilarious & told us about the "ladder of success" we can climb-
Manager/Team Leader here I come!
Oooooo & I get 1/2 off my cellphone bill, not to mention all of the PAID time off we get!
6/2009 Dear Diary, Well this sucks
I've struggled with "adulting" for the better part of 30 years and though I did my best to inject a little levity to the above "journal," I'm sure you can ascertain that 'Adulting' was not my forte 15+ years ago, and quite honestly I still struggle with it from time to time.
I've done a lot of "internal work" over the years and have come to realize that the growing pains most of us go through during our 20's; discovering who we are, finding our path in life, learning to be independent from our parents, etc. is something I was never afforded.
I was married at 23, and was pregnant soon afterwards, then again 4 years later.
I was a stay at home mom for the majority of that marriage, but it was not by choice; I wasn't allowed to hold a full time job until I finally left him.
I know what some of you might be thinking:
"You're complaining?", "You get to stay home & don't have to work!" , or "He is supporting you!"
However, I think you missed the most important word "allowed."
I wanted to work, I wanted to contribute to our little family and was not afforded the opportunity.
Granted, I was able to go to cosmetology school & get my license (eventually) but he made it exceedingly difficult to maintain a job.
Fights, accusations of not caring about our child(ren), suddenly having to work a double (later found out it was 100% voluntary & he actually requested the extra hours), and many more manufactured reasons he created for me to call in "sick".
Fast-forward 13 years-
I finally had enough of the control, the lies, the terror, the abuse.
I was tired of living like a virtual prisoner in my own life and needed to reclaim my freedom, so I filed for divorce, left Washington state, and moved back to Western, New York.
Little did I realize, it wasn't that simple-
I had been out of the job market for over a decade and was armed with nothing more than a fart in the wind associates; did I mention I was 37 and had never held a full-time job before?!?
There was no one to guide me or help me navigate this new "normal," I was just expected to already know these things "at my age," yet I felt like a child compared to my contemporaries.
I already mentioned NYLife and VZW, but what you don't know is that I had FIVE more jobs (another call center, bookkeeping, hairdresser, pool store, telemarketing, repair scheduler) before I started to figure things out and went back to school for dental assisting and held 3 more jobs after that!.
That's a grand total of ELEVEN jobs in 12 years!
Translation- I bounced around A LOT, with no clue as to what I should be doing or wanted to do for that matter. I was making it up as I went along and just trying to survive & provide the best I could without a good example to draw from, let alone a healthy role-model to emulate.
It's been 15 years since I left and I'm still trying to find my way and figure it out, but could that be the wrong approach or mindset?
Tom Clancy once said:
"There are two kinds of people: the ones who need to be told, and the ones who figure it out all by themselves."
Instead, maybe I need to take George Bernard Shaw's words to heart:
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
I need to stop looking for that elusive path, and just start creating!
What do you love or are currently working towards and does it bring you joy?
DARE to dream BIG and follow your heart!
#LoveAndie
“Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life!”
