I fully intended on going to my writing workshop tonight, but this crazy thing called getting a kidney stone in SOUTH CAROLINA, derailed my plans.
Why was I in South Carolina you may ask?
Well, I was meeting my biological family for the first time!
AND here comes the adoption themed post...
It all started with an "AncestryDNA" test I purchased June 2015. I cowboy'd up the $99+ s/h, took a leap of faith and waited the 7-10 days for it to arrive.
The days on the calendar sauntered by
Then, lo and behold there it was, a package from Ancestry!
After the initial excitement dissipated, I noticed how small the box was and thought,
"This Lilliputian box was going to unlock ALL of the secrets that were kept from me for the last 44 years?"
I removed the shrink-wrap and inspected the contents and couldn't help but feel- shocked?
I honestly thought there would be more to it, more vials, more chemicals, more instructions, more packaging, more- I don't know, stuff? Instead I found:
- An instruction sheet with my unique tracking code
- Small, plastic, test-tube & cap with some sort of funnel doohickey to attach to the top
- Teeny amount of blue liquid to add to said vial; possibly a stabilizer/preservative
- Plastic ziplock for spit filled test-tube & Prepaid/return postage box
Didn't they know that this was a potentially, life altering, BIG freakin' deal?!?
They, were going to answers all of the questions I've had running through my mind for the better part of 4 decades!
"Deep breath Andie, let's see how this works."
Munching on some dried mango, I pulled out the instructions and began to read,
"Do not eat, drink or smoke for 30 mins prior to providing sample" I stopped mid chew "SERIOUSLY?!?" *eye roll*
I put the bag on the coffee table and set a timer on my cell. I picked up the instructions and finished reading through them.
"Looks like I have to register the kit, might as well do that while I wait."
I opened the website and went through all of the required steps, then *tried* to start a family tree.
I could feel the anger building in me as I sat there; I was able to add myself, the kids & their father and that's about it. Little did I know in that moment just how long it would take before I could add anyone else to that sad, little "tree".
My phone began to chirp, startling me out of my negative thoughts.
"Here goes nuthin'" I muttered to myself. "I can't believe spitting into a little vial and sending it off to some lab could possibly give me what I've only dreamt about. 6-8 weeks and my results will be ready?" I thought with a high level of skepticism.
Fast forward 4 weeks, and BOOM my results were ready!
I opened my laptop, fired up the website, and there was a few hundred "4th cousin or closer" matches.
"HOLY CRAP, I have a few HUNDRED relatives I never knew about! A few hundred possibilities of finding my parents" I thought to myself.
I began combing through all of the information and discovered that I had no idea how to even sort all of these matches! There was no way to ascertain whether they were maternal or paternal relatives.
I liken it to walking through a grove of aspen trees and being tasked with the job of picking up all of the fallen leaves and matching them to not only the right tree, but the right limb and branch and correct spot on that branch. It was all so overwhelming; I stared blankly at the page and cried.
I was so incredibly happy that I had all of these family members right in front of me, but I also had no idea who they were or how we were related.
I sent message after message to other members that were a genetic match, and plead my case;
"DNA says we are related, so Hi Cousin?"
"I'm adopted and looking for some help in figuring out how we are related/connect.
I would like to build my family tree and figure out who I am, where I came from, and finally be able to give my children their history/roots."
I hit a lot of dead ends, and had a lot of well intentioned people telling me to request my original birth certificate. They had no clue that New York is a closed record state, so that information is not available to me. All I had was non-identifying information from the adoption agency.
Fast Forward again... A 4th cousin match reached out and we began to message each other. We found that we had a connection almost immediately; we had so many parallels in our lives. After a few months of emails, and phone conversations we started making plans to possibly meet in person. Our schedules were compared and it looked like May would be a great time to visit. Darroch & I would drive to Milford, PA to meet our cousins.
To think it would be the first time since I was born that I would be in the same room as blood relations. The enormity of it all was overwhelming at times.
Rae and her mom Karen came to the hotel we were staying at and it was all tears from me.
Many take for granted the simple act of hugging a relative, and think nothing of it. This was the first time aside from my children that I was hugged by MY family, my blood, my kin.
We noticed right off the bat the resemblance, it was uncanny! Granted, we are only 4th cousins (we share a Great, Great, Great Grandparent) but it was just so striking how the mannerisms, personality and so many other traits were shared between all of us.
THEN, we met more family; to be specific, Rae's son who looked so much like mine son that is was almost freaky! It was an incredible Memorial Day weekend full of so much love and acceptance.
You've probably been wondering how a trip to Pennsylvania in May of 2015, a Kidney stone & South Carolina October 2018 comes into my missing week 2 of "Voices & Visions"...
I'm getting to that now *wink*.
Fast Forward one last time to June 2018, and I'm doing my best to live my life, and deal with this shitty kidnapping called Breast Cancer.
Just like any other random day of the week, I would open the app for the DNA site to check and see if I had any new matches.
"900+ 4th cousin or better matches?!? Wow, this is crazy!" I whisper to myself.
I start to scroll past my children's results then see I not only have a first cousin match, but she has messaged me; Sydney M. from South Carolina!
We began messaging and comparing the story I have about my "beginnings" with her various family members. After much back and forth, she and her mom lead me to how we are connected; her uncle is my father!
These two amazing women solved the riddle I had longed for my entire life,
Here it was, another instant, undeniable connection I had never felt before. A sense of belonging washed over me as our "email" conversations went on.
Then I got the HUGE blessing of talking to my Aunt Elise (Sydney's mother, my father's sister) on the phone. I will never forget one of the first things she said to me,
"To deny you, would be to deny ALL of my nieces and nephews, and I just can't do that. I love you Andie"
The emotions that washed over me were indescribable. Not only did I have a cousin and an Aunt that wanted to know me, but they loved **ME**, broken, rejected, discarded me. It was the balm I didn't know my soul needed until that call.
As I continued to recover from surgery (bilateral mastectomy) and mentally prepare for chemo, our conversations led to when we should meet. Sadly, we came to the realization that our "reunion" would have to wait until after all rounds of chemo were completed and I got the thumbs up from my oncologist due to my compromised immune system. In the meantime, it would give my father some time to get use to all of this.
Margot (bio-mom), never told him about me so this was a HUGE shock that he had to process before he was ready to have any kind of contact. I completely understood, and never wanted to disrupt anyone's life, I just wanted answers and to know what was denied me, my entire life.
Then the day came...
I got to hear my father's voice for the first time, just after my first chemo infusion. We had been emailing each other for a couple of weeks, and I think we both felt confident enough to have a phone conversation!
Hearing his voice was music to my ears; the gentle drawl, the tone of his voice, and his snarky sense of humor all melded together into this voice that I could not get enough of. I loved this man & I had yet to meet him. He never knew of my existence but he was willing to take this journey with me and see where it leads.
We decided upon upon the end of October, since it would be 6 weeks after my last round of treatment and my immune system would be in good enough shape for the trip.
The big day came, October 25th. We left Rochester and drove 12 hours to South Carolina to meet MY family!
My Amazing Aunt was so generous and hosted us in her home for the duration of our stay. To say it was the most amazing 5 days of my life, would be a gross understatement!
I met my Aunt Elise first, and she is a pistol! I now know where my personality comes from.
"You come by it honestly", she would reply when I would notice another shared trait.
I can't put into words what that first meeting was like. So many emotions, feelings, thoughts; I felt such deep, abiding love for this woman and so much love & acceptance in return.
I had "come home" and returned to the fold. I no longer felt so- alone.
The next day, I got to meet my father Sid and my 1/2 sister Emily. The mannerisms are uncanny! One thing that David & Darroch picked up on right away was the way Emily & I both begin to tear up, it's the same exact facial expression! The sense of humor between Dad, Emily & I is just remarkable, and we share so many traits. My big, blue eyes for instance are a family trait.
We spent most of the day Friday enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other, and capped it off with dinner out. It was such an amazing first meeting.
The next day (Saturday) the five of us spent time exploring the area; we saw the neighborhood(s) where my Dad, Aunt & Uncle grew up, their old stomping grounds, then a trip to the family cemetery. Some may think this was an odd excursion, but to me it was like walking through a history book. I saw the graves of family members who were Confederate Soldiers, their wives, their children. I saw my direct lineage right there in front of me in 3D, I couldn't choke back the tears any longer.
My family came over on the Mayflower, they signed the Mayflower Compact, they fought in the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, the Mexican-American War, the War of Aggression (Civil war), and almost every war since. I even have a relative (through marriage) that was responsible for opening Japan to the West with the Convention of Kanagawa in 1854 (Commodore Perry).
I was standing amongst people of character, principles, honor, who made history.
These were my ancestors, I walked amongst them, and I was humbled.
Sunday we had a "Southern Family Dinner", and met even more family members!
Uncle Butler, Aunt Grier (Dad's brother & Sister-In-Law), their children & grandchildren, and finally Sydney who's DNA kit was the reason we were all gathered.
When I say she is Sunshine in human form, I mean it. Her eyes hold her mother's mischievous glint, that dance when they smile, and is the epitome of a Southern Young Lady. I can't wait to meet her sister Carson; a gal that is not far from her mountain bike and I suspect she shines when she is with Mother Nature.
I slept so well that night and it might have been the best night of sleep I've ever had. I felt safe, protected and finally loved unconditionally.
We were all packed and ready to leave the next morning (10/29/18) when I woke up in the worst pain I had ever felt in my lifetime. This pain was worse than childbirth or my bilateral mastectomy!
David, Aunt Elise & Darroch were worried it was my appendix so 911 was called, an ambulance came & I was carted off to the local hospital and was treated for.... you guessed it, a Kidney Stone!
By the time I was released, it was too late to head home and we were all exhausted from the stress, so ended up staying an additional night, THEN drove home the next morning.
The journey back to NY was filled with remembered moments, family trait comparisons, and happy tears.
Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful beginning to a story 47 years in the making.
#LoveAndie
*Written 11/2018, Reformatted 1/2024
